I am excited to be on a date with my husband and to see if I made the final cut as an extra in the new Johnny Depp movie. The journey to the movie premiere is the beginning of another new awakening.
As I drive to the theatre, David and I talk about what's the next biggest thing we can imagine happening. Where do we want to go with our lives? What could we dare to dream? I talk of wanting to teach with all who have inspired me to be my best. My intention is to create an image mind map that I could meditate with every day, helping me to gain clarity in my life. The mind map would include pictures of Wayne Dyer on stage, Louise Hay, Shiva Rea, Amma, Eckhart Tolle with my voice in the background repeating affirmations of my vision. In truth, I had been stalling any movement forward on my dream every time my ego asked "how" instead of why. “I don’t even know what I would do or say If I did get on stage with Wayne Dyer or Louise Hay,” I confess. This was the exact mind dialogue that was putting the brakes on my dreams. My ego wants to know when, how and figure it all out first, looking for control.
I felt lost with no direction.
We enjoy the movie, excited to be at a movie premiere and I even catch a glimpse of myself on the big screen getting shot at by Johnny Depp. The drive to the party turns into the old familiar patterns of the ego. I struggle to get directions from a few people on the way out of the theatre. Not understanding which way I was supposed to go, I pretend saying, "Oh sure, I got it." We even try to get the GPS system to work; yet in my rushed state I am unsuccessful. Instead of getting clear, I just start driving.
My state of mind was a direct reflection of my experience. As we are clearly lost, the tension mounts in our car. "Just pull over and ask," David says. I make a quick U-turn as it looks we are about to head out of town and we find a gas station. The conversation turns to old patterns of blame. The "you should've, I wish you’d just, Why don’t you ever" conversation repeats itself. Pulling into the gas station David says,” Come in with me so you can hear the directions, too." I shake my head answering. "Why should I? I don’t ever understand the directions anyway. You just go in, then you can tell me which way to go.”
Sound familiar? “You figure it out, tell me what I should do. I don’t want to accept responsibility. I am unclear. I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m afraid if I take the wrong path, there will be no turning back, I have no control.” All of these excuses apply on the road and also in my clarity of what I need to do in life. My stomach is doing flip-flops, a sure sign that something is not in order. It is time to get clear. Why all this stress around directions? Stress is the same as fear. What am I afraid of? Why am I giving all my power away in this moment?If it is not a positive fulfilling experience, it is time to question why. Why do I do it? What can I learn from this? Where did this come from, when did this start? The ego is creating this fear, keeping me from living the life of harmony and peace, disconnected. It is not possible to be at peace and be stressed at the same time.
The answers lie within. Here is an opportunity to be shown the person I truly am. The answers become clear as I retell the story to my friend the next day. In a new day and a little more perspective, it becomes clear,"I don’t need to know what I would say on stage. In this very moment I am becoming the person who will know. I will be led each step of the way." Five years ago I would not have even tried to be in a Hollywood movie, sit in front of Amma the Hugging Saint, create a yoga TV program, write a book, create a blog, talk on the radio, meet my favorite authors, travel around the world, ect... Five years ago I was not the same person, yet was led step by step on this path to become the person I am today.
Do we ever stop growing? Do we ever stop doing the work? The day I say, "I got it, I don't need to listen anymore," will be a dark day. The process is a never ending joyful process and is not meant to end, ever.
When I do step on that stage or whatever is lined up for me, I won’t be the same person I am today. That is why there is no reason to figure it out. I will be led each step of the way, and experiences of getting lost are the exact pathways I am learning to grow from. Become willing to go beyond what you believe today. Learning means taking in something new. When we see each experience as an opportunity to uncover and remember the Divine part of us, we will never stop growing.
Having no vision, being stuck, feeling lost, feeling loss of control, ECT... Next time you have something go wrong with your car or have certain repeated experiences, take a moment to pause, check in to see if there is any correlation to your thoughts, feelings and state of mind. What do the situations or broken parts represent and see if there is any connection between the parts of the car and what you are thinking and feeling. Are the speeding tickets piling up ( are your feeling rushed, not enough time for everything in your life), too many parking tickets (can’t get your butt moving, not feeling inspired, motivated?) The connection between the mind and body is amazing and each situation can be handled to work for you. As I mentally go back to my conversation on the road, it was obvious that I was feeling lost, out of control, without direction. The contemplation of the self is one of the best tools to grow. There was no one to blame, to fix or to feel guilty about. It is a lesson to grow in order to become the person I need to be for the next part of my journey. Trust your higher self to lead you, follow your bliss.
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